I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
