ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize