Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
