I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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