I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I stole a fireplace last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
