my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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