No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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