drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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