OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
