We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize