so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
accomplished twins. life is a go
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
