shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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