I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
