Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
