the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize