I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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