i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
