I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
