I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
