I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
