Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
