If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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