It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
