Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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