Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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