I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
