I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We are all done wearing pants today
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
