yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
