he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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