Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
