You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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