I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
