He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
