the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
