its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
