roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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