Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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