Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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