When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
