we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
