your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
