but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
