I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
