I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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