I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
this is an emotional support booty call
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
