i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
