don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
