Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
