It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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