is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize