we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
