Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize