my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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