i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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