he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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