haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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