i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
