be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
