I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
