He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
