you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
