my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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